Cultivating Self-Compassion
“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”
Hi Friend!
Kristin Neff, one of the world’s leading experts on self compassion, offers this definition:
“Self compassion is the ability to notice our own suffering and to be moved by it, making us want to actively do something to alleviate our own suffering.” She goes on to describes self-compassion as kindness toward the self, which entails being gentle, supportive, and understanding: “Rather than harshly judging oneself for personal shortcomings, the self is offered warmth and unconditional acceptance.” In other words, being kind to ourselves in good times and bad, in sickness and in health—and even when we make mistakes.
We know the voice all too well, the critical subtitle to our every action as we go about our day:
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” “You’re failing, big time,” or “Pull yourself together.” Or have you ever lost your temper at…yourself? Blamed and then beat yourself up a little inside for doing something you regret? Maybe you’ve been harsh with someone, only to be much harsher with yourself later?
It’s easy to be tough on yourself—we tend to do it much, much more than we realize. But what if there was a better way? When we forgive ourselves, accept our perceived flaws, and show ourselves kindness, we practice self-compassion. It’s often a lot harder than it sounds, but with the right techniques, we can learn to make it a habit that sticks.
Sometimes, there are moments when we become acutely aware of how we speak to ourselves. But other times, the practice of self compassion goes right out the window. Having self-compassion means being able to recognize the difference between making a bad decision and being a bad person. When you have self-compassion, you understand that your worth is unconditional.
Compassion helps us connect with others, mend relationships, and move forward while fostering emotional intelligence and well-being. Compassion takes empathy one step further because it harbors a desire for all people to be free from suffering, and it’s imbued with a desire to help.
What does compassion mean, and what is self-compassion?
Compassion is when we see someone having a tough time and want to help them feel better, like giving a friend a hug when they're sad or offering words of encouragement if someone is going through a tough time. Self-compassion is extending the same type of compassion but giving it to yourself. When things don't go your way, or you make a mistake, instead of being hard on yourself, you treat yourself with kindness and understanding.
The 3 pillars of self-compassion
Each of these pillars of Self-Compassion, as outlined by Dr. Kristin Neff, helps you develop a healthier and more supportive relationship with yourself. By understanding and practicing these aspects of self-compassion, you can learn to be kinder to yourself, especially during challenging times.
Self-kindness: Compassion starts with being gentle with yourself. Instead of getting upset or criticizing yourself, you're supportive and caring. Imagine how you comfort a friend who is upset—self-kindness is doing that for yourself.
Common humanity: It’s important to remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and has tough times. It's normal and part of being human. When things are hard, knowing that everyone goes through difficult times can help you feel connected to others in your life, rather than feeling alone.
Mindfulness: Being aware of your feelings without letting them overpower you helps you stay compassionate with yourself. It means recognizing your emotions, whether they feel positive or negative, but not letting them control your actions. Mindfulness helps you respond to situations with a clear head.
5 benefits of practicing self-compassion
It’s not always easy to be kind to yourself, but practicing self-compassion can be a great way to boost your wellbeing to support your relationships, and stay open to changes in your life. It’s a practice that will take time, but, over time, you may begin to recognize its effects.
Improves your mental and emotional wellbeing- When you're kind to yourself, you're likely to feel happier and more content. Self-compassion can help reduce feelings of stress, anxiety, and sadness. It’s even been linked to improved outcomes for those with PTSD. Sometimes, we get so worked up that our mind goes into overdrive. Knowing how to calm your mind can help improve your mental and emotional wellbeing.
Encourages you to develop a growth mindset
Self-compassion can help you see challenges and mistakes not as failures, but as chances to learn and grow. You start to think, "It's okay I got this wrong. What can I learn from it?" This mindset can make you more open to new experiences and willing to try, even if there's a chance you might not succeed right away.
Benefits your physical health
It has been well researched that self-compassion can be good for your body. Self-compassion can lead to healthier lifestyle choices like eating better, exercising more, and getting enough sleep. It's about caring for your body because you value it, not because you're trying to meet some external standard.
Builds your resilience
Life is full of ups and downs. Self-compassion can give you the emotional tools to handle tough times. When things don't go as planned, you're more likely to bounce back quicker. It's about giving yourself the space, grace, and understanding to navigate life's challenges.
Enhances your relationships
When you practice self-compassion, you may develop a deeper understanding and patience for yourself, which can spill over into your relationships with others. You can become more empathetic and supportive, improving the quality of your interactions and connections.
Turning toward difficult experiences and responding with self-compassion builds our ability to cope, and makes us stronger and more resilient. People who practice more self-compassion are more likely to have better relationships that are characterized by warmth and emotional validation, plus greater emotional awareness, clarity, and acceptance. Self-compassion is also linked with an increased ability to respond to stress in a flexible and self-soothing way. And another takeaway: Self-compassionate people are less likely to engage in harmful avoidance, rumination, and worry, which could help protect them from emotional disorders.
How are you doing with self-compassion? I am here to help. Contact me at jlncoach.com
XO Jenna
