People Pleasing
"If you try to please all, you please none" Aesop
Hi Friend!
Are you a people pleaser? Do you feel responsible for other people’s emotions? You feel like you have no boundaries? How about your self-esteem?
If most of the answers are positive and suddenly you felt that your shadow side is illuminated, then I am sure that you can define yourself as a people pleaser.
A “people pleaser” personality means a person feels a strong urge to please others, even at their own expense. You may feel that your wants and needs do not matter or alter your personality around others. This is different from traits such as kindness, generosity, or altruism. While people can make a balanced and intentional choice to do favors for others, an individual with people-pleasing tendencies will find it hard to say no. They may agree to things they do not want or not able to do.
Usually you can see yourself as a people pleaser if you :
Are preoccupied about what others think and feel
Agree with people’s opinions even when you disagree
Always fear of saying ‘’no’’ to others
Taking care of others but not taking care of yourself
Are afraid of being abandoned or rejected
Neglecting own needs
Stuck in relationships & friendships where you exhaust yourself by giving but not getting back
Are seeking for other people’s approval
Regularly take on extra work, even if they do not have the time
Often overcommit to plans, responsibilities, or projects
Avoid advocating for own needs, such as by saying they are fine when they are not
Avoid disagreeing with people or voicing their honest opinion
frustrated that they never seem to have time for themselves
Causes of people-pleasing
People-pleasing is not a diagnosis. Its a personality trait or habit. As such, people define it in different ways. Some of the factors that might lead to this group of behaviors include:
Low self-esteem: People who feel they are worth less than others may feel their needs are unimportant. They may advocate for themselves less or have less awareness of what they want. They may also feel that they have no purpose if they cannot help others.
Anxiety: Some people may attempt to please others because they feel anxious about fitting in, rejection, or causing offense. For example, a person with social anxiety may feel they must do whatever their friends want in order for people to like them. It can be a subtle attempt to control others’ perceptions.
Conflict avoidance: People who are afraid of conflict, or feel they must avoid it, may use people-pleasing as a way to prevent disagreements.
Culture and socialization: The culture of a person’s family, community, or country may influence how they view their duty toward others and themselves. Some may learn that total selflessness is a virtue or that the needs of the collective matter more than the individual, for example.
Personality Disorders: Personality disorders are long-term mental health conditions, some of which may lead to people-pleasing. For example, dependent personality disorder (DPD) causes a person to feel very dependent on others for help and approval in many facets of life. For example, they may need other peoples’ opinions to make simple decisions, such as choosing what to wear.
Risks of people-pleasing
People pleasing can cause harm, both to individuals and those around them. Some examples of the risks include:
Stress: Stress occurs when a person feels they do not have the resources to cope with something. Frequently being overbooked, having a high workload, or a long to-do list due to people-pleasing may result in this feeling. Behaving in an inauthentic way, or ignoring one’s true wants or needs, can also make a person stressed or anxious.
Tiredness: Taking on too much, or putting on a more cheerful persona around others, can be mentally or physically tiring.
Neglect: If a person has little time or energy for themselves, they may neglect aspects of their own self-care. This could include personal hygiene, appearance, mental or physical health, or career. It may even mean they have less energy to help others in the long run.
Resentment: People who feel they have no choice but to please others may grow to resent their role, causing feelings of anger or frustration. This can manifest as passive aggression, which is when someone indirectly expresses anger, such as via jokes or sarcasm.
Relationship problems: When a person is unhappy, it can affect their relationships. For example, a person may feel their partner takes advantage of their willingness to help, resulting in conflict.
Loss of identity: People who think a lot about pleasing others may become less aware of what they want or how they feel. This may mean they are less in touch with their needs or who they are.
Role conflict: A person who attempts to please others may find that the person they are in one context conflicts with who they are in another.
Harm to others: People-pleasing may cause a person to prioritize feeling liked over the well-being of others. For example, a person might engage in harmful gossip to fit in.
How to stop people-pleasing
Some tactics include:
Starting small: To begin with, try committing to meeting one need at a time. For example, a person might set a goal to give themselves small breaks between meetings.
Stalling: When someone makes a request, try allowing for some time to think about it rather than answering immediately.
Setting time limits: When saying yes to something, include a time limit or deadline rather than waiting for someone else to set the schedule. For example, a person might agree to babysit between certain hours.
Time blocking: Block out time in the day that is off-limits to any new requests or plans. People can do this mentally or use a calendar app to automatically decline any new invitations.
Rehearsing “no”: In many situations, there are tactful and empathetic ways to say no. Rehearsing these before speaking with someone may help.
If you are someone who finds it hard not to please others and consistently puts your own needs aside, you may feel the term “people pleaser” describes your behavior.
Chronic people pleasing can affect relationships and sense of self. It may even have a paradoxical effect, making it harder to help people due to a person having less time and energy.
It is possible to change people-pleasing behavior, although it can take time. A coach is the perfect person to help break this behavior patter. Contact me today or book a session. Let’s get working.
XO Jenna
