Self-Sabotage
“We are the greatest obstacle to our dreams.”
Hi Friend!
What a topic. I’ve been there and I am sure many can relate. Lets dig in..
“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.” Alyce Cornyn-Selby
If you are making plans towards achieving your laid down goals, congratulations, you are starting on the right foot. And if you have started following through with these plans, then I must commend your bold leap.
Successful people are always about making plans and developing new habits, and frankly speaking, these are very important if we must record significant progress. However, these progressive moves would make no difference if we do not address self-sabotage or the signs of self sabotaging behaviors; self-sabotage meaning, personally sabotaging your own goals.
You may ask yourself ‘What is self-sabotaging u?’ They are those characters that we exhibit that prevent us from achieving our goals. These behaviours could be active or subtle, and doing them consciously or unconsciously does not downplay their effects.
We have all, at one point or another, been guilty of these behaviors and they affect different aspects of our lives: relationships, career or business, and even health wise. It is essential we clearly understand these behaviors so we can properly handle them when the need arises.
Despite how terrifying they sound, self-sabotaging behaviors are actually very comforting and pleasing to engage in, and they give us the impression that we are ‘protecting ourselves from uncertainty. But are we? Uncertainties are part of our everyday lives, and there is nothing we can do to prevent them.
However, we can control our reactions to them and leverage on them to achieve our goals and improve ourselves as individuals.
Self-sabotage can be borne out of the need to be in charge of situations all the time, a task already doomed to fail from inception (we can never be in charge of situations every time!). You know, there is this soothing feeling when you are aware and in control of events that are playing out. Self-sabotage leverages on this to give us a false sense of control.
Our self-sabotage also usually revolves around fear: fear of success and fear of failure are the most common causes of self-sabotaging behaviours.
We begin to track back, especially at crucial times, when we lack self-confidence and self-worth. Our bodies respond to the way we acknowledge and see ourselves. If you are constantly putting yourself down or speaking negatively about yourself, sooner or later you begin to act it out.
Self-sabotaging habits are patterns that can be developed over some time, from your childhood, during interactions and relationships with people, or from different life experiences.
Here are 11 signs of self-sabotaging behavior
Holding On To Baggage Of The Past- This particular sign of self-sabotaging behavior presents as being cautious, looking with a third eye, or protecting one’s self from hurt. It is one thing to be careful and another different thing to judge every situation you are in based on what has happened to you before.
I believe every one of us has had occurrences we do not like to remember. It is good to heal from them and move on, otherwise, they become drawbacks that deter our progress.
But when left unresolved, these baggage’s usually take root inside people and cause injuries, trauma, stress, and internal crises. Holding on to negative past experiences means that they replay over and over in your mind. These baggage can grow and gain more ground in our minds, leading to behavioral disorders and mood swings.
To deal with them, first of all, you must acknowledge these experiences. Ask your self what emotional baggage or mental baggage am I holding onto from the past? How can I eliminate and let go of them? You feed them by avoiding them because unaddressed issues grow. Forgive yourself and (or) people involved in the triggering event.
Take time to heal from them, and you can talk to a friend or myself, a professional about it. Once you have settled this, you would feel the weight fall off your mind and then you can channel this energy to more productive causes.
Trying to control everything- There’s so much we want to achieve, and even a thousand lifetimes wouldn’t be enough to accomplish all our dreams. But it’s important to accept that we won’t always be in control of everything. You won’t always know the right move to make, and pretending otherwise can lead to self-sabotage.
Life is unpredictable, and part of living fully is learning to embrace that uncertainty. While we can’t always control what happens to us, we do have power over how we respond—and that’s where growth happens.
Hey, it’s okay if you’re not always in control. Don’t be too hard on yourself, and don’t feel the need to manage every detail. When you’re on top of things, that’s great! But when life doesn’t go as planned, sometimes the best thing you can do is step back and let go.
Take a moment to observe, reflect, and find new ways to move forward. You’re more than capable of handling life’s twists and turns, and not being in control doesn’t diminish your strength or intelligence.
Housing limiting beliefs- If ever there was a time to be relentless in the pursuit of your goals, it is now. The wealth of knowledge available and the internet’s ability to connect the world have turned it into a global village.
Limiting beliefs are the thoughts and ideas that hold you back from seizing opportunities and living up to your full potential. Often, we’re unaware of these mental barriers that prevent us from making bold, progressive moves.
Take a moment and ask yourself, "What are the goals I set for this year or month?" Then, be honest: "What’s holding me back from pursuing them?"
You may uncover patterns of self-sabotage rooted in upbringing, environment, past experiences, or even a lack of exposure. No matter where these behaviors stem from, it’s essential to confront them. Only then can you free yourself and truly soar.
Being captive to your fears- Countless books and articles have explored the topic of fear, and one common theme is this: fear is an illusion. It thrives on uncertainty. We all feel afraid at times, but when we strip away the illusion, we realize how small and powerless our fears truly are. You are always greater than your fears—that’s why they only flourish in the shadows.
It’s often said that great things lie on the other side of fear, and I couldn’t agree more. Fear is nothing more than an imaginary roadblock, and until you choose to step through it, you’ll stay stuck where you are.
Whenever we take on new challenges or step into unfamiliar territory, there’s always that moment of hesitation—"What if I don’t succeed?" Fear makes you question your abilities. But what if you do succeed?
Fear is a natural response, and we all need a bit of extra motivation sometimes to push through it. There’s no shame in feeling afraid; what truly matters is how you react to that fear.
When fear overwhelms me, I focus on the positives and hold tight to them. Dwelling on the negatives only leads to self-sabotage. Remember, many have faced similar challenges and triumphed, and if no one has overcome that hurdle yet, why not be the first?
Comparing yourself to others- Everyone has different goals and different tools to achieve them. Just because someone else has reached a milestone that you haven’t yet doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
When I catch myself measuring my progress against someone else's, I pause to reassess where my focus has been. Many of us overlook our small victories, which makes it easy to feel inadequate when we see others thriving. But where you are now is the result of many little wins along the way.
It might not be exactly where you want to be, but you can always keep building. Comparing yourself to others can erode your confidence and stop you from making the moves that could change your life for the better. Recognize that this habit of comparison is a form of self-sabotage, and it’s time to break free from it.
Judging yourself harshly- It’s important to evaluate your actions and assess your results to identify areas for growth. However, when your reaction to falling short of your expectations is harsh self-judgment, it becomes a form of self-sabotage.
While having high standards is admirable, being overly critical of yourself prevents meaningful self-reflection and growth.
There’s a key difference between constructive criticism and harsh judgment. Constructive criticism allows space for improvement and progress, while harsh judgment traps you in regret, replaying past mistakes and unmet expectations in your mind. When you're overly critical, you get caught up in the "what ifs," stressing over what you could have done differently. But dwelling on the past achieves nothing—you can’t change it. Overthinking often leads to no real solutions and simply adds to the stress.
Rather than harshly judging yourself, try to embrace constructive criticism. Instead of focusing on the “what ifs,” shift to “how can I?”—"How can I improve?" or "How can I prevent this mistake next time?" Harsh judgment robs you of the chance to reflect and grow, and is a sign of self-sabotaging behavior. In the end, harsh self-criticism is a losing battle. No matter how hard you are on yourself, it won’t move you forward.
Giving Up- No one enjoys hitting a wall or failing at something. Deep down, we all hope things will go as smoothly as we planned. But the reality is, life doesn’t always work that way. When setbacks happen, it’s easy to feel destabilized, and the temptation to quit or move on to something else can be strong.
But ask yourself: is there any guarantee that the new task won’t come with its own challenges or obstacles? If you find yourself jumping from one task to another the moment difficulties arise, this is a sign of self-sabotage. It’s a habit that can prevent you from reaching your full potential.
I came across a quote by Hafeez Khan that has helped me when I felt like giving up: “Never underestimate the power of one last push. The door to success is already in a fragile stage from your previous efforts—one more push, and it will open.”
That final push could make all the difference.
Constantly seeking validation- "Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right." This quote by Henry Ford perfectly captures a powerful truth: you are what you believe, and your mindset shapes your reality.
If you start seeing yourself the way others see you, it’s because you’ve accepted their view as your truth. This is a form of self-sabotage, as it causes you to stop believing in yourself and places control over your success in the hands of others.
Expecting the worst from yourself- Downplaying yourself isn’t humility—it’s self-sabotage. Even if you’ve faced difficult experiences in the past, don’t lower your expectations of yourself. You are whatever you believe yourself to be. When you constantly expect the worst, you erode your self-confidence.
Some people do this as a way to protect themselves from disappointment, thinking that if they expect less, they won’t be let down by failure. But this mindset is deeply flawed. It breeds negativity and keeps you from reaching your full potential.
Don’t assume that bad things will always happen. Yes, failure is part of life, but the right approach is to face it, heal, and move on. As John C. Maxwell said, “fail forward.”
To break free from this mindset, stop overthinking and overanalyzing. While it’s important to have the facts, equip yourself with hope and optimism as well.
Optimism will carry you further than just knowledge alone. You can’t plan for every detail, and expecting the worst isn’t a strategy—it’s avoidance. So, face challenges head-on. Have hope. Learn from failure. Keep moving forward. Try again. And get it done.
Limiting your happiness to just material things- Humans are naturally driven by the desire for rewards, and there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, rewarding yourself can motivate you to complete tasks with diligence, knowing there’s something to look forward to. However, the issue arises when people start equating rewards solely with material possessions.
When we place material things above deeper values like happiness, contentment, and gratitude, it becomes a serious problem. If you begin to measure your happiness by the things you own, you’ll never experience true fulfillment.
Happiness is an internal state, and no material possession can capture its true worth. Physical items will always fade, go out of style, or be replaced by something newer and better. By tying your happiness to material things, you set an expiration date on your joy.
To live a fulfilling life, happiness must be rooted in your core values. Don’t tie it to people or possessions. Instead, find joy in the knowledge that each new day brings an opportunity to grow, improve, and surpass your past self.
Lack of Graditude: Gratitude is about recognizing and appreciating not only the people around us but also the events, experiences, and even ourselves. Growing up, I was taught to always say "thank you" when receiving a gift, after a kind gesture, or even at the end of a meal. I carried this habit for years, believing I was living a life of gratitude. And while I was, in one sense, I missed a crucial aspect: being grateful to myself.
One sign of self-sabotage is failing to extend gratitude inward. We often talk about how people can be ungrateful to others, and many of us are quick to adjust when it comes to showing appreciation to those around us. But when it comes to showing gratitude to ourselves, we tend to overlook it.
The truth is, you deserve your own appreciation. When you acknowledge your own wins, experiences, and lessons learned, it becomes easier to appreciate others. Gratitude toward yourself fuels genuine, effortless gratitude toward others and leads to noticeable improvements in the quality of your life.
Recognizing the signs of self-sabotaging behaviors is the first step toward overcoming them. We have so much potential to achieve our goals if we can rise above these obstacles.
It’s essential to acknowledge the presence of self-sabotaging habits that are hindering your progress. Identify these behaviors, no matter how small, and note them down alongside the bigger challenges.
Remember, it’s okay to fail—as long as you learn from those failures and keep moving forward. Failing forward means using setbacks as stepping stones to improvement.
To address self-sabotaging habits effectively, you must also address the concept of ‘self.’ This encompasses all aspects of your life: physical, mental, emotional, social, and financial.
You have immense potential within you, and the key to unlocking it lies in prioritizing yourself. By understanding your patterns, you’ll find it easier to recognize those subtle signs of self-sabotage.
Face your fears, tackle those challenges, and pick yourself up after a fall. This proactive approach allows you to take charge of your life, gain a strong sense of self-control, and pursue your dreams, enabling you to live to the fullest of your abilities.
Are you struggling with any of these signs of self-sabotage? Contact me and let’s get to work!
XO Jenna
